Save Your Relationships

The last article talked about the ten best ways to assure that you will be unhappy.  This time, I feel compelled to talk about a very timely subject.  We have campaigns that focus on saving the earth, saving the whales and a variety of other endangered species.  I am convinced that traditional relationships and friendships need to also be considered in the endangered category!

The most recent statistics that I have heard reveal that the divorce rate in inner cities is forecasted to escalate to seventy percent in the near future.  There is an undeniable decay in our commitments to each other not only in inner cities but also in the rural communities and suburbs.  I heard someone say that wedding rings are no longer for sale, but are being rented.  Vows are changed from "I do" to "I do till I change my mind."  Maybe you have heard the phrase; "I love you… for now."  What happened to us that resulted in scaring us away from the permanence of relationships and friendships?  I believe that it is a function of three major issues.

First of which is the ever dominant influence of the media.  Failed relationships are growing in fame and publicity while serving as excellent sources in made for television movies.  These negative scenarios are glamorized and minimized and as a result, we are desensitized.  Where it was once thought appalling to casually abandon relationships in the days of our grandparents, it has now become an expected norm, glamorized by movie stars and the tabloids.  The second major issue is that of personal pleasure. The early stages of a relationship are exciting.  We look forward to sharing and caring.   Most importantly, we look forward to giving.  We are so excited about that other person, that we feel like giving and giving and then giving a little more.  We experience joy and personal satisfaction from all that giving.

Unfortunately, as the relationship develops, we transition into a mindset of "gimme gimme gimme."  Before you know it, the holiday or honeymoon is over and you do not feel like giving as much anymore because you do not feel like you are getting enough.  So now, you become a little too demanding.  You both feel like the other is doing a lot of asking and very little giving.  You miss all the neat stuff that used to be wrapped up for you with a pretty little bow.  You come to the rude awakening that Christmas is not every day.  Something has inevitably changed and you decide that this is not what you signed up for.  I remember hearing a minister say, "men marry women hoping that they won't change and women marry men hoping that they will.  Then the opposite happens." 

We see relationships fail when one or both partners go into it with an expectation of three things:

1. If it does not work out then I can always drop out.
2. I'm in this for better or for worse as long as you keep me happy.
3. Acceptance is based on performance.

Eventually, we begin to build that internal wall that says, "I need to be prepared to protect myself."  The result of that leads us to the third major issue.  Lack of communication.  There is a lack in the beginning, the middle and leading to the end.  Instead of trying to fight for reconciliation, we choose to flee to what we believe is protection.  Remember that "the problem is the response."  Moreover, in so many cases, our response during difficult times is to turn against our partners instead of toward them.  In the communication arena, we must understand that men and women think and experience life differently.  You may have already heard that women are better at multiple tasks and at verbal tasks than are men.  In the fall of 1990, Time Magazine reported that women use conversation to build relationships.  Men use talk to get to solutions and thereby ending the conversation.  They also reported that women use between 25,000-35,000 words daily while men use 12,000-15,000 words each day.  We are inherently different and need to work toward understanding not abandonment. Men need to realize a woman's desire to build relationships through communication and women need to understand a mans desire to want to work quickly toward a solution. Coupled with the fact that women tend to use twice as many words as a man does during the course of the day, it becomes easier to see why both sexes need to deliberately exercise patience with each other.

Where has all the persistence gone?  What has happened to the dedication and loyalty that forged our very country?  Yeah - I know that I'm getting deep, however this is a problem that is deeply rooted.  Not only is this a virus in the institution of marriage but it has spread to the workplace and even worse: to our kids.  Thus, it is no longer just about the two of you.  It is about how we will all affect the earth during our time here.  Remember that your autobiography may be someone else's Bible.  As you discover that you have the opportunity to fight for reconciliation or flee in self-pursuit, remember that the true key to unlocking this problem is understanding and commitment.  Remember that silence is not golden - sometimes it is just yellow. 

Communicate to resolve not to win. 

If you have been doing a lot of fleeing then I suspect you are probably wearing a good pair of running shoes.  This month we are telling you that we recognize that relationships are hard work and we are asking you to change your shoes.  At a Family Life Conference, I heard someone say, "if you want to leave your footprints in the sands of time then you've got to wear work boots!"

Remember that the place to start to change the world is in your heart.

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